As the girliest of girls, I love a fairy tale. But the fairy tales closest to my heart are those that are served with a side of ass-kicking.
Now I've discovered Fairy Tales rendered a la Battle Royale. And the best part? Each one has a unique weapon!
Here's how this would go down. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Cinderella grabs some rope, a candlestick, and a pumpkin. She runs into the woods, but remains nearby.
Little Red would run away immediately. She's got a basket of food and a firearm, so she can survive in the wild for a bit and also shoot people from afar.
Same with Hansel & Gretel. After hoarding as much candy as possible, they run, hoping to get as far into the woods as possible. Unfortunately, Little Red and her wolf Granny pass them. Hansel goes after them, eager to prove himself.
Little Red shoots twice and sees Hansel drop as she disappears into the woods.
Gretel has caught up just in time to see the fatal blow. She cradles the dying Hansel and weeps. She will spend the next hour sharpening her sickle in a grim promise to avenge her brother.
Rapunzel takes out three of Snow's dwarves in the struggle for weapons and supplies. Unfortunately, her idea to wear her weapon as an accessory slows her down, and she is taken down by the remaining 4 dwarves.
As Snow stands watching her dwarf minions wreaking havoc, Alice cuts her down. In their grief, the dwarves chase Alice. There is a long, bloody fight. Alice skewers two of the dwarves as they rush her. Unfortunately, she is one weapon down, so she takes a garden hoe to the shin.
Meanwhile, Cinderella has been building a bomb using the pumpkin. She is about to light the fuse, but then she gasps. Her eyes go wide, then dark as her life leaves her and she wilts to the ground. There stands Gretel with a bloody sickle and a stone heart. She is smoking a candy cigarette. She lights it for real using the fallen candleabra, and uses that to light the fuse of the bomb.
Alice turns in time to see a pumpkin shell full of nails zooming towards her. It hits her in the temple and her eyes bleed. [This is obviously directed by Quentin Tarentino.]
Now all is was left for Gretel is to find Little Red.
"I know you're out there," she screams. "I will gut you and wear your wolf as a crown."
With her sickle held high, Gretel was death incarnate. Little Red approaches. Gretel runs at her. Little Red shoots, but her hand is shaking, so she misses. She misses again. And again. And again. Another miss. Gretel is almost upon her when Granny jumps out from the woods
[via The Mary Sue]